


Foolproof instructions on how to fuck up your life

by GabtheTrashcan



Category: gen - Fandom
Genre: very self indulgent sorry!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:41:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabtheTrashcan/pseuds/GabtheTrashcan
Summary: I miss a lot of things.
Relationships: Gabby & Rishi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Skyrates from Knowhere





	Foolproof instructions on how to fuck up your life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [statsvitenskap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/statsvitenskap/gifts).
  * Inspired by [rishi’s unabridged instructions for living as a powered person.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27150727) by [statsvitenskap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/statsvitenskap/pseuds/statsvitenskap). 



Be born. This might be a little messy but you’ll end up fine on the other side. The one on the bed, she made you and she’ll love you. This time of peace will be brief and in the grand scheme of things- unmemorable. However to the woman she’ll never forget you, not for the five years left alive you’ll have together.

Five years go by quickly, it will not be an extravagant life but the struggles of a toddler’s life all seem to melt away when the woman hugs you.

She’ll go away for a little while.

You won’t understand what that means for now, but that’s okay. If there’s anything you have, it’s time, time and not much of anything else. 

The streets won’t be kind this time of year, the ghosts and ghouls that crawl throughout them all are much too busy focusing on their own survival to help anyone else. Learn. Learn how to flaunt the green *green* eyes a man gave you (Don’t ask where he went , the answer will not help you survive.) Learn how to lie to the women whose children look just like you did, they will be the easiest. Learn how to form alliances where words should only be spoken if you can gain something from it. 

Learn all this and more. Keep learning, the moment you stagnate- you’ll fall. 

On a cold night, you’ll realize that the fall is impossible to prevent, but it's much softer than you expected. It’s been a couple years since you first joined this arena, allow yourself to lazily survey the area before sleeping, you won’t get to do that for a while. 

Someone will catch your eye, struggle to your feet unknowingly leaving behind everything you own. As you make your way over, see that feeling? Hold onto it. The bittersweet taste in your mouth, slightly trembling hands, a rock that’s made itself comfortable in the bottom of your stomach. These will become the only companions you can trust, so get used to them.

His name is Bruno. 

He will say that he’s part of a gang, you shouldn’t join them. 

You’ll say yes.

Slowly, you’ll figure out the instructions that I can’t give you myself. Stick to Bruno to start, try to use what you’ve learned but everyone will be much more experienced then the innocent ladies on the streets. Learn from them. But this will be a little different then what you’re used to, you learn the agenda of the gang (Refer to them as an organization in front of open doors) and you’ll pretend like their ideals don't apply to you.

Get used to this routine, you’ll meet your greatest adversary besides yourself. He will not give a name nor alias; in your mind you may refer to him as Fucking Asshole. You call him Sir out loud. Every conversation will be a battle, how much ground do you give? How much do you reveal? How much do you have to lose?

Enough. You give enough to gain access to a nasally laugh you’ll forever wish to forget. A secret is traded for an assignment with a bow wrapped in empty promises. Bruno is arrogant but the night before, he kisses you on the forehead, wraps you in a hug (Don’t think about the woman, she will not be useful to you), and tells you to be strong.

You will be strong, not because he says to but because there is no other choice.

Deceive the children you once would’ve protected. Slide them candies that they had to have known you shouldn't be able to afford. The smart ones will run.

Many will not. Find your first target, turn them in. Do not think about the warmth that sparked from their fingers but turn to the chilling building that has turned into a home. Build up a name for yourself, Bruno will still be there. When it gets too much, he’ll turn off his “chick magnet” and allow you to hug him. Take advantage of it while you can.

Years will pass, you’ve become thirteen. One day, think about how much you’ve gained and forgot about the people who have lost. It’s your fault, but you’ll have more time for guilt later. Add that feeling to the bittersweet breath, trembling hands, and rock in your stomach.

One day, you’ll be getting lunch with Bruno. He’ll sneeze.

Flames come out.

He will not make it out, you do.

New York is much colder than you remembered. The sting of the rain will sicken you, your legs will lock up as the urge to cry claws at your face. Tentatively, oh so carefully raise a hand.

Turn it…..inch your pinched fingers to the right….it’s been a while.

You survive the night.

You survive the next.

And the next.

Each day is a new battle, one day you’ll stumble upon a ring. Go to the head bookkeeper and tell him to write yourself down for an amount of money you don’t own. Not yet at least. 

Raise a hand…. as if turning a dial... quickly turn it to the right.

Meet your opponent, raise a hand under the table, as if turning a dial quickly turn it to the left.

You’ll win. Win and win and win until you can pay for yourself. The operation manager will look at you too sharply, but shoot him a stupid grin and he’ll turn away shaking his head. Become friends with him, just in case.

Become friends with them all, just in case.

One day, gentrification will be rampant throughout New York and you *miss* him and- sloppiness kills. The police will be on your tail, but turn into the alleyway by the library you’ve always wanted to go to (one day, you’ll find that ironic.) Hide in the crook of a window, someone will be there. 

Say something rude, catch them off guard you can’t afford another phone call. As they reply to you, something equally vulgar, analyze ser room. It’ll be filled with drawings scattered throughout the floor as maps litter the walls. You have to leave, it’s always the analytical ones. 

You leave, this doesn’t change fate. 

On the backdrop of melting purples and oranges, you will see ser again. Don’t talk, hold onto this feeling of apathy for as long as possible because se will utterly destroy it. Leave.

This doesn’t change fate, I don’t think anything could.

At the start, you’ll feel like this is only meaningful if useful. Don’t be alarmed if you tell yourself it's to gain reputation when se cries in mock anguish about a rigged coin flip. Don’t be afraid if you bargain with yourself it's purely to get used to other people when you both banter one another for hours. Don’t cry if se hugs you and you can’t think of a justification beyond its warmth. 

Don’t think about the people you’ve lost, move on.

Or at least, you can try to, your regrets seem to follow you everywhere nowadays. Bruno is always cackling in your peripheral vision, a letter will be delivered to you.

Don’t fall for the illusion of choice, try to feel apathetic again, realize you will never be forgiven.

Complete the task.

Everything else will blur together, don’t fret, focus your attention on Rishi and only rishi. Love Rishi and pretend that you would do anything to alleviate their pain. Listen attentively when Rishi rambles about facts that would get you both killed while asking questions just to see ser face light up when se realizes you’re paying attention. Spend your earnings on anything se wants, notebooks and well worn books fill up the previous empty spaces in their apartment. Hold them at night, pray to a god you’ve never believed in that ser suffering would just *end*. 

Because if anyone deserves a happy ending, its Rishi.

Bring Rishi to the ring. Banter playfully with ser to calm both of your nerves as the operation manager gives you a playful wink as you both settle near the arena. Turn your hands in the motion that you’ve long grown accustomed to. 

Win.

The man you win against will be much larger than anyone else you’ve faced. He does not take kindly to his lost profit- he grabs your right arm.

Rishi grabs your left and you both leave New York in flames- much too reminiscent of something better left forgotten. But as the bittersweet taste returns your trembling hands are given something to latch onto. Well worn shoes slam into the concrete as you flee the only place you’ve ever known.

Welcome to Knowhere. 

Flaunt innocent smiles to your crewmates as you spend hours filling Rishi’s notebooks with their weaknesses. Inquire playfully about serious matters and establish yourself as a caring figure. If anyone is going to snap, you’ll know about it first.

You will plan to escape with Rishi as soon as the first nail unscrews.

What you wouldn’t expect is for that nail to be yourself.

Volunteer for the supply trip, later you’ll find the irony in such an easily avoidable outcome. Walk alongside the pack until a force will slam your back into an alleyway. No one will notice.

See Bruno. 

He is not the same, gain a tracker and a promise that you know is empty. You will follow it anyway, desperate enough to believe a dead end that you can predict.

Dolus will come, in the end you side against them. In the end, knowhere will side against you. Watch as the only person you;ve learned to trust realizes the truth, realize this logic does not apply vice versa. 

Love Rishi, se will not love you back.

Cry when you are alone, cry for your friend that’s stuck in a coma and cry when se come out. Nothing will ever be the same and this time there is no one to hold your trembling hands.

Knowhere gains more people, and you move on. Content to lose yourself in Elle’s hair and Quiche’s stories. Content to snack on Kade’s cooking and pretend the gardener is still here. 

Accept things aren’t. You will move on, and soon you will leave the ship. 

But for now, softly smile at Rishi and receive a solemn smile in return.

You will learn.


End file.
